My Dear Grandma Lilas Passing

Lila Reynolds~ August .5. 1925- May. 12. 2010 Photo of Gram,Tanner and Cousin Alex

I am going to have a hard time writing this. I almost tried to call Gram yesterday. I guess I still cannot believe she is gone, nor do I want to accept it. I am having trouble accepting my grief and dealing with it. Here is what I wrote shortly after her passing:

I still cannot believe you are gone. My vivacious spunky eternal Grandmother. I am still in shock. You have always meant the world to me and the world will not be the same without you in it. You were my rock. Always there for me. Never doubting me or condenming me.You truly loved me as I did you. We held a special bond with one another that can never be replaced. You have always been not only a grandmother to me but also a very good friend. There are way too many memories to even begin. All I can say is Thank you,thank you for loving me unconditionally always. Thank you for also loving my family. Bucky, Tanner and Cooper. You are such a special woman and I am glad you are at peace now. I will love you forever and someday Gram, we will be together again.Until then I will miss you everyday. Charla

Gram went into the hospital the Thurs before Mothers day. She had pnemonia and was weak from not eating and not being able to swallow. I was able to tell her I loved her as well as my family and happy mothers day and she said she loved us too.- I really thought shed recover.

Well she didnt. She was getting weaker and begging "to let her die". She made the decision to not go to her dialysis appt on Tues and decided she was going to start a morphine drip to make her comfortable. My first initial feelings on this was NO! A feeling I soon realized as selfish. I SO wanted her to meet Cooper and she had let it be known many times to me that she was waiting to do so. Our plan was to go down as soon as school let out June 15th. She told me this a couple weeks before passing " I keep telling everyone I am not ready to go yet. I still have a great grandson I havent met yet.But what I really mean is I really want to see my grandaughter again". She told me how much she missed me and hoped I would be there soon. For this I will always feel guilty.

She started the morphine but before she did I was able to speak to her. I told her many things.Mostly how very much I would miss her and loved her- she mouthed she loved me too as she could not speak she was too weak. It is so hard to say a planned goodbye. How do you tell someone a lifetime of things you want to ,or never had the chance to say? I will forever love her for what she meant to me and my family. I miss her so.